Do you trust your people to carry out your wishes at the time of your death?
As an end of life doula, I hear people express a few common needs: that their kids can accept their death; that they will respect their wishes about how they want to die; that they won't fight with each other about their differences of opinion about death and dying.
The beautiful thing about an advanced care directive and/or end of life plan is that your expression of your wishes at the end of life is the most important guide, supplanting any differing opinions within your family group.
You want to know your wishes will be respected and followed, whatever they are.
This is such a gift to them because it helps them not to fight about decisions and to work together to achieve the common goal of giving you what you want this very sacred, last time.
I had a client who had two siblings who did not agree with her approach, even though she was carrying out her dad's wishes. She held her tongue often, wanting to ensure her brothers' voices were heard and that after her dad's death, the siblings would stay connected.
She was able to give her dad what he wanted which was to die knowing his kids were accepting of his wishes and would stay close.
My role was to hold the space with them so they could talk it through before their dad's death.
I love getting to be a compassionate and neutral support person to families as they anticipate their loved one's death. In this case it was three siblings and their dad.
They showed me that with just a little help they could listen to each other and disagree and hold their conflict with love.
After their dad died, none of their disagreements mattered any more. They could breathe again. What they feared happened and they were okay. They were showered within and without with love.
So much of what is happening in the last phase before death is the anticipation of the loss. It's not really about the conflict between people. It's about the fear of the unknown.
And doesn't that make your heart flood open with compassion?
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