What Does Grief Mean to You?

I got so mad when Hospice called me a few months after my mom died for a 'grief check-in' call.

My mom died 7 years ago and the call came 3 months later. The woman's voice on the phone was concerned; she asked how I was doing with my grief, her voice full of clawing inflections of sugary sympathy.

I immediately was on the defensive. I said something like, "My 94 year old mom was ready to die. In fact she wanted to die. She gave me a gift with her readiness. So I am not in grief. I just feel love. I don't appreciate that you are assuming I am grieving and suffering and this is such a hard time. I have lost a lot of people and know grief. This is not that. Don't put that on me."

I am not proud of what I am certain was a terse response, but I am proud of what my mom gave me. I never assume someone feels a certain way after the loss of a loved one. I am curious and inquire. I don't want to put any expectations on them about how to feel, nor do I assume they are 'grieving'. I want to open the space and find out what their journey after loss is like.

What is your preference? How do you want people to ask you how you are doing after a deep loss? What words make you feel open? What makes you feel closed? What does grief mean to you?