When you talk with someone, do you care if they listen to you?
I love to have conversations where we each really hear what each other is saying and keep building on that connection and momentum. Absolutely sublime. It’s up there with the beauty of a sunrise or hugging an old growth tree.
I am not so thrilled when I share something and by the person's response, I can tell they didn't hear or understand what I said.
Maybe I was unclear.
Maybe they did not find what I said was very interesting.
Maybe they went off in their head on a related tangent that was not germaine to what I said.
Do you relate? Does this happen quite often in your regular conversations?
I am more often aware of that look that comes over their face when they have stopped listening and are just waiting for me to pause so they can jump in with what they want to say.
A friend said to me recently that I made them uncomfortable because I listen intently to them when they talk.
Another confessed that they really don't listen to everything another person says and they weren't sure why I did. It wasn't personal, they insisted, but rather a lack of discipline.
Today a self-described 'good listener' interrupted me repeatedly and after I kept inquiring as to what they meant by their responses, said that they were probably hearing what I was saying as 'black and white'.
Btw, I have found black and white thinkers to not be very good listeners.
Then there are the people who talk at great length, in great explicit detail about what a situation or an event, rather than offering a summary that indicates the important points.
I am not sure if they feel they are communicating something to me or just need to vent, or perhaps they don't have skills to edit what they are saying in order to effectively share something important to them.
Or maybe its the new solipsism, where we have lost the art of conversation, due to modern social isolation and too much time spent on social media, and just are not practiced in dialogue.
I know when I don't really listen, I am usually attached to some thought, belief or feeling running through me. Sometimes I feel judgmental or critical. Often I am aware what a struggle it is to just be present with them.
I think if we could settle, and let ourselves quiet down and open our heart and ears, we would find listening, deep listening, to be a meditation, a way of being present, a relief from the ego, and a sacred gift.
Let's try it!
Enjoy this poem on the topic:
Listening
Listening is a form of worship,
but you don't have to kneel
on the floor with folded hands
or mouth the perfect prayer.
Just open the door of yourself
to another, become the space
they step through to show you
who they are. This is holiness:
two people seated together
on the pew of a park bench,
or the altar of a kitchen table.
Even if no one says a word
for a while, receive the silence
until it's like a new language
only the two of you can speak.
- James Crews
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